High School Cafeteria

My high school’s principals came to our class room to give us surprise. The suprise was food. Three principals dressed as cook came in with cart that had food on them. Classmates lined up in a line. I put down my pan and move away from my desk to follow my classmates. My classmates were chatting happily and I felt I was an outsider left alone in a group. I walked and looked at my classmates’ face while they were talking. I felt excluded. When I came to the first principal, I got my food. Before I came to the second principal, I looked at the table and saw two papers saying there were two kinds of drink, creamy chai and apple cider on the bottom. I only saw one drink and I was confused. I came in and said that I wanted “this” (apple cider). The principal was about to pour that drink for me. Then I asked where was creamy chai. The principal said, “oh, you want chai?”. I was not sure what I want to say, and I was not sure whether I understood what happen, and I replied indecisively “yeah”. I got my chai, which was not what I wanted. But I thought that I was not sure what I wanted anyway. I walked slowly to the next pricipal, feeling I was stupid. I came to the third pricipal, feeling that I needed to be decisive and not to be weak. I came to ta cake and asked “what is it?”. The principal replied oh it was pumpkin cake. I would not want to embarrass myself again by asking what was the althernative. I said “I want this”. I was about to move on feeling good about myself. The pricipal asked me if I want the candy (on the table). I said “no, I’m good”. The principal replied “are you sure?”. I said “okay, I would have it”. I got my candy and I felt I was forced to have the candy I did not want. I looked at the candy and I did not like the candy. Holding on the food, I walked over to one classmate feeling the need to look just like everyone else who were sociable and talkable. I walked up to a classmate who sat in his desk and we started to chat.

After one hour, we had a game class. In the game class, we played board games. I came in, and saw a group of four was already talking about the game. I sat down, and waited for more classmates to come. The board game in front of me was not familliar to me. I was asked what game I want to play. I was not sure so I thought if I choose the one that was far from me, I would have to move to the other side. The other side had new faces and I was afraid of talking to new faces, and I was afraid of talking to new faces. And I felt I was strange in the other side. I said I would play the one in the front of me. I was first to choose the game and what followed was that everyone chose the game that was closest to him. We formed a group of five playing the game. I did not know tht rule. Two of classmates played before and knew the game but was not sure how to explain the game. One of classmates started looking at the instruction and I got impatient and asked a question which was ignored by the classmate. I was sad and sat there feeling like a stupid person. When the classmate started to explain the game, I interrupted and asked questions again. He ignored. When I finally got his attention, and I said a long sentences and complicated way to ask, to which the classmate replied “what what what?”. I felt dumb and stupid so I appologized with “sorry, you keep going”. I sat there alone feeling I needed to stop asking questions when the classmate is explaining the rule. But I felt he was so rude and I was not valued.

After the game class, The school was over and I was ready to go home. Another classmate asked me to have a dinner with me tonight. I didn’t want to have dinner with him and I was not sure. I felt It was late and I needed to go home and saw my family. But he insisted, to which I replied “okay”. I sat there waiting for the dinner time. I was not sure what to do. After few minutes, I got up, wanting to leave. I came to the classmate and said I wanted to leave as if I was asking for permission. I was very sad. I thought to myself, “why I needed the permission to leave?”. I’m in a prison not sure what to do. He insisted on having me to get a dinner that I did not want. I thought about I needed to be more social. I satyed and felt exhausted that I took a nap on my desk for a bit. We had dinner. I want to get more personal connection with the classmate by talking about life and past education. He seems reluctant to open up and kept distance and answers with vague sentences and no follow up. I opened up by talking about myself in an open way. But he was cold. He had greater ego. WIth the greater ego, he was more confident and decisive than me. I felt weak and suppressed. The dinner was a combative, not a relax one. There was a ball passing between us that I felt very strongly.

I came home with sadness, emptiness and uneasiness.